Fume§

Open letter.

An open letter to the person who has hurt me in ways unimaginable, who has shown me a side of myself I never ever wanted to see. 

If I didn’t know any better I would think I had become one of those girls - let me explain. Remember in high school you saw your friend spiral in her relationship with her abusive boyfriend. He would never let her wear revealing clothes, god forbid her cardigan fell off her shoulder while she was walking - she would have to pay for it later. You saw your other friend fall in love with her boyfriend only for him to get her pregnant and leave her to pay and obtain the abortion herself. You have seen it over and over again. The cheating, the mental abuse, the harsh words but even more than that, the tears, the pain, the questions, the demise. You had seen it all. You had been the shoulder they cried on, the person they came to and you had seen them struggle. You told yourself in high school you would never let that happen to yourself. You told yourself in undergrad again, and again, and again. Every time someone close to you got hurt you built the wall around you even higher. God forbid you let anyone in and make a fool out of you. God forbid you become the girl those memes were about. You took pride in asking for what you deserved for and for never sticking around longer than you were supposed to - a sort of lean mean fierce girl machine. The fear was always there though, god forbid you become one of those girls. You would never. Never shed a tear for a boy who didn’t care. Never stick around where you were wanted. You were and are too smart for that right? Right… 

And here you are - it all happened right underneath your nose. An amazing boy, an unimaginable circumstance, a lot in common, the thrill, the feelings, the talks, the calls all turning into ignoring, deflection, arguments where you yelled and he never listened. Drunk calls, you pick up and fall all over again. Second chance? Many. Changes? None. What went wrong. And I finally started to understand what it felt like to be in my friends’ shoes. 

How could have something that I was so afraid of all along happen to me. How could I become the girl who let someone walk over me, ignore me, talk to me only when they pleased and then to write it all off like they cared and I was overreacting. How is it that I still can’t really understand why you would do that to someone you supposedly “care about.” Maybe that was the question my friends had asked them themselves. I don’t know how it happened. I just know I chose to repeatedly see the best in someone over and over again. Ignored me for a week and called me drunk? You were busy? Okay. Can’t be more than friends but wants to see me naked? Okay. Can’t handle the long distance but also can’t let me go? Okay. Maybe I thought if I made everything convenient enough, you would eventually care about me. But that’s never the way it’s supposed to work. We know that. I know that. Relationships are about giving and receiving and I was left giving and giving with little to no receiving. Why couldn’t I put myself first? Maybe there was something familiar and warm about you - something I hadn’t found before and so I thought dealing with all the negatives was worth that feeling. Dealing with weeks of pain was worth it when you made me laugh. And that is precisely how you end up here. Even if the puzzle piece does not fit, you do everything in your power, you give it all to “make it work.” But that puzzle piece was never meant for that spot. 

I could sit here and think of a million questions and a million answers I need from you. I could think and rethink and then rethink again. How and what needed to change to make this work, to make this fit. But I can say, we are pieces entirely from two different boxes - we were and are never meant to be. I am loyal, honest, caring, passionate, forgiving, and patient. You sir, I will never know if you were honest, but you are not understanding nor compromising - at least not to me. If you cared, I wouldn’t feel hurt. If you cared, this would not be so hard. If you cared, I would know and I don’t. 

Today is just day 1 and I hope to make it to year 60 believing this very fact. If you have taught me anything at all it is that the fear I had was absolutely ridiculous. Not because I don’t think it won’t happen to me - it could. But because I know myself enough to know that I will never genuinely be happy in a place where I am not respected and loved for enough. And I know that the people around me - the wonderful people that I have surrounded myself with - will time and time again be there to help me stand up and move forward even when I do not think I can. I hope one day I can look back and laugh at this. I hope that one day I can look at you and not feel pain. But even if that day doesn’t come - it’ll be okay and I for sure, will always be more than alright. 

What do YOU want…